Summer Bummer

cranky craig summer

Summer. Who needs it? We are now in the midst of the year’s most overrated season. There is an old joke in Ireland: “I can’t wait for summer in Ireland next year… I hear it’s on a Thursday!”

I believe that I could condense my argument against the biggest monstrosity on the calendar in three simple words: Sweating isn’t sexy! But Cranky Craig would never try to sell NewsFour readers short by leaving it at that.

Whenever summer arrives and by some miracle we seem to be inundated with an unexpected heatwave, Irish society seems to collapse into itself. Irish conversations about the weather seem to lean towards the positive (automatic shock) and all of a sudden every man and his dog is on Facebook taking selfies of themselves in the sun, perhaps assuming that their fellow citizens have not yet bothered to check the temperature outside of their own free will.

And let us not forget those marvellous specimens who love the sun so they can “get their tan on”, but heaven forbid that they don’t bring along a camera to document it.

Summer. That time of year when people take selfies of themselves on Dun Laoghaire pier eating ice cream… because apparently summer is the only time of year where you are allowed to consume frozen goods.

That time of year when the street is overwhelmed by the cackling of foreign exchange students making your average seasoned Dubliner think that he has just been transported to The Pamplona Running of the Bulls. That time of year when the kids are overcome with joy at the prospect of the summer holidays, while their parents are overcome with desolation at the thoughts of having to deal with them. And many more.

There are those who may accuse your friend and humble correspondent of simply holding a grudge against the months of June, July and August. Perhaps you think I was run over by a Mr Greedy ice cream van one sunny afternoon? No such luck. There are many simple reasons why summer is indeed the worst month.

Firstly, sweating. Say what you will about the pitfalls of winter but at least it does not bring with it a hideous invisible cloud of B.O. Let us not forget summer activities such as fishing, a hobby so boring that paint watches IT dry. Summer music festivals, while enjoyable in many ways, turn homo sapiens into mindless zombies for whom anarchy is too good. Sun burns are painful, full stop. And last but not least… the beach.

Of course, there are those who will invariably come up with the usual excuses for why summer is so wonderful, all of which are wrong. My personal favourite is the following: “It’s sunny out so we have an excuse to go drinking.” Well excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, we are Irish and proud. We do not need an excuse to drink. And with that, as the old saying goes, I rest my case.

Enjoy the sun!

By Cranky Craig Kinsella