Traffic Cone Epidemic Hits Dublin 4

An infestation of traffic cones has recently blighted the Dublin 4 area.

Nobody has the slightest clue where these cones have arrived from, although the foreman in charge of some local road works suspects he might have the answer.

The conical culprits have mysteriously landed on public roads outside the houses of some local residents, many of who seem unphased by their new plastic neighbours. “I don’t know how they got there” said one homeowner, “but my parking space is waiting for me when I get home.”

We spoke to another local who said he received the cone as a gift from a friend. He now spends his days sitting in the front window, watching to see if anyone moves his most prized possession. “Touch my cone and it’s a declaration of war” said the angry man, a large vein throbbing on his forehead. “That’s my space, I’ll defend it with my life.”

Another elderly lady said she was inspired by watching John B. Keane’s “The Field” on TV last Christmas. “It’s my field. It’s my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it.”, the woman recounts with a slightly mad look in her eyes. “I feel the same way about my parking space”.

We contacted the parking enforcement division of Dublin City Council who said it’s illegal to place parking cones on public roads. They also advised that if you see a cone that isn’t marked “Garda”, simply remove it and park your car there.

We passed on this information to the lady who goes by the name of “Bull” McCabe and she took off running to her garden shed, removing yet another plastic pyramid to place in front of her house. “The English are gone? Gone, because I drove ’em out! Me and my kind.” she mumbled while clutching her new cone tightly to her chest.

We got in our car, parked about a mile away, and left.

By: Paul O’Rourke